The Hot Ticket

David Mamet and Declan Rice

We have all scored hot tickets to something or another, at some point in our lives. We have all been to something that could have sold out many times over, if the tickets were even on sale in the first place, and not distributed free of charge to a golden, chosen few. Maybe there is a mathematical calculation that can measure the temperature: x (people who wanted to see a show) divided by y (tickets available for said show). So if a million people wanted to see Taylor Swift play the Village Vanguard (capacity 130) that gives you a hot ticket value of - hold on, I’m slower than I used to be - 7,692.30769. If 500,000 wanted to see the Stones play the London Palladium (capacity 2286), then the hot ticket value is 218.722.

The heat of the Taylor Swift ticket is such that you couldn’t go anywhere near it, thus rendering it impractical; the Stones ticket you just have to throw from hand to hand, like a baked potato. Before outraged Stones fans start to leave messages underneath, I should make it clear that my numbers are purely for the purposes of illustration; and before desperate Swifties ask me if I know anyone who can get them in to the Village Vanguard, I should point out that as far as I know she has no plans to play there. (Although of course we would say that, those of us whose titanium SWIFT AT THE VANGUARD tickets are, even as we speak, melting our granite worktops.)